the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
