I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
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