Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
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