so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Randomize
