If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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