Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
