can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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