True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
