Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I missed Saved by the Bell this morning, but Ashley in a later episode of Fresh Prince is keeping the morning wood alive.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
