i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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