I wanna passion pit in your ass
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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