Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Randomize