Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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