apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
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