I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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