Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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