Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
My brain says no but my pants say off.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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