her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
