This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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