Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
