I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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