Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
