Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
