The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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