i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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