plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
