I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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