Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Randomize
