So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Randomize
