and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
