K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
