I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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