people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
