I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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