paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Randomize