Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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