I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
