Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize