I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
