she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Randomize
