stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
