i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
