she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Ladies don't puke and tell
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
