hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Randomize
