I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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