I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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