Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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