You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
two words: eviction party
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Randomize
