Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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