SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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