Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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