Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
