Nicole vs. Life
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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