I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Randomize
