don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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