What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
So apparently I’m into choking now
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
