birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
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