Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Randomize
