I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
