I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize