omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
