I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Randomize
